(originally appeared in The Patterson Irrigator newspaper)

I don’t need to tell you it’s been hot lately. Or that the heat wave has been record-breaking. The signs have been obvious. Do these sound familiar?

— Your dog tries to avoid their daily walk.

— Your A/C runs so much you must sell an organ to pay the bill.

— Your children eat their weight in popsicles.

— At day’s end, you peel off your underwear with a wallpaper scraper.

Trying to beat the heat is no easy task in this town. It can be discouraging when the hot days drag on like the 2024 Election. So, I’ve assembled a list of ideas for getting relief when our Central Valley resembles the bowels of Hades.

First, head to Blues Cafe for their famous Mocha Chiller. This chocolatey, caffeine boost makes any day better. Then, walk down the street to Patterson Family Pharmacy and peruse their cute gift shop— relishing the nice, frigid indoor air in the process.

Want something more? Our city recreation department has fun stuff for kids, teens, adults and seniors— most of it NOT out in the blazing sun. For example, the Walnut Grove gym hosts drop-in pickleball games for adults. If you don’t know what pickleball is, imagine a sport where you can feel as athletic as the Williams Sisters, without needing skills or talent. It’s worth checking out if you want some exercise and an ego boost. Go to the Patterson Recreation Department website for a full list of their community activities— you won’t regret it.

If you’re looking for a more sedate option, you can head to the Patterson Library. Our librarians have fun activity days for kids— along with well-stocked children’s shelves. Adults will find the air-conditioning quite appealing; plus, there are books set in wintry months so you can escape into a world that won’t give you heat stroke. There’s something comforting about reading a crime thriller that’s set in a cold Scandinavian town. Sure, there might be a few murders, but at least all the characters are well-hydrated.

Personally, this plan appeals to me since I do everything possible to ignore that summer even exists. You would do the same if you lived in a black power wheelchair that sucked up heat like a Dyson. It probably doesn’t help that I also burn after only 3.8 minutes in the sun. (But perhaps you don’t need to know this much about how pale I am?)

Anyway, I wish you the best in beating the summer swelter. Stay safe, cool and hydrated— and be sure to check on your elderly neighbors and loved ones that are vulnerable at times like these. If you need advice, or a cooling center, call Stanislaus County at 211. They can direct you to available resources. Be well, Patterson… and wear your sunscreen!