The Great American Taco Challenge, Part Dos

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It is no secret that I adore tacos more than most foods on this earth. I have definitive opinions about them and I’ve eaten them in various cities and places. And, while I might be biased, I firmly believe that in Patterson, we’ve got some of the best tacos— anywhere. In fact, I’d be willing to stack our hometown tacos against any big city taco joints. I don’t care how fancy or hipster those other places may be.

This is why, five years ago, my high school friends and I conducted The Great American Taco Challenge by sampling some local taco spots. The results were published in my column in The Patterson Irrigator. Never before had tacos been examined with such scrutiny and, frankly, love. In fact, each time we’ve seen each other since, my friends and I talk about that day and how much carne asada we managed to consume. It was glorious.

So, this last Saturday, we decided to do it again. Given the large number of taco joints in Patterson and the fact that our stomachs can only hold so many corn tortillas, we had to limit our sampling to just six— Taqueira Zamora, Morelia’s, Taqueira Barajas, El Paisa, El Portal, and Ernie’s Taqueira. Believe me, if we could have eaten from more places, we would have. But, my cardiologist said no.

We sampled them blindly— meaning we wrote the names under the plates, mixed them up, and didn’t reveal the origins until after the tasting and scoring was complete. We judged the tacos on flavor, spice, texture, tortilla quality, and even presentation (yes, we watch The Food Network!).

I’d like to tell you that this was an easy process. But, this time it was much harder to judge the tacos than it was five years ago. The taco scene in Patterson is truly at a high level. As we sat around my dining room table, a slight sheen of sweat tickled our brows. And it wasn’t just because the tacos were spicy. It was because selecting the winner was nearly impossible.

In fact, it got to the point where we felt like parents being forced to choose a favorite child. Everyone knows this is a painful and treacherous thing to do. Unless you are Donald Trump, of course. Because, then, it’s Ivanka.

We nearly abandoned the whole enterprise because the margin between each taco score was so slim. Mere decimals separated them, and we even tried computing the results in different ways to make sure we were correct. But, this had a Vladimir-Putin-Election-Rigging feeling to it, so we stopped.

In a straight average, El Portal’s “juicy” taco edged out a win over Taqueira Zamora’s “meaty and smoky” taco by a minuscule 0.37. An even smaller margin separated the other establishments— which were huddled evenly together in the rankings. It was like a photo finish in the Olympics— where you can’t tell if the guy from Barbados, Ghana, Jamaica or Cleveland had his toe over the line first.

In fact, each sampling had something of note about it. Ernie’s Taqueira took the award for “spiciest taco,” while El Paisa had the “best corn tortilla.” Morelia’s included some of their amazing homemade chips in the order, which was like getting a surprise from Santa Claus. And, lastly, the presentation of the plate from Taqueira Barajas was so beautiful that it should have been featured in a food magazine. Seriously, it was so pretty. Those hipsters can just kiss our ass.

To be honest, it was a great day to be eating tacos in Patterson. And these were just a small sampling of what this town has to offer. I do apologize if we didn’t make it over to your particular taco establishment, though. This doesn’t mean that we don’t like your tacos, only that my arteries can only handle so many at one time.

My cardiologist thanks you for your forgiveness.

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A Stanford Valentine

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On a typical Valentine’s Day, one might expect a day of romantic gestures— giant teddy bears, Papa Murphy’s heart-shaped pizzas, and overpriced jewelry from the neighborhood mall. Since my boyfriend is of the fictional variety, I don’t have to worry about pretending to like the “chocolate diamond” necklace he bought for me at Zales.

This week, my Valentine’s Day definitely wasn’t a typical one— I got to spend the most romantic day of the year at the Stanford Neuroscience Building for my Spinraza evaluation. Upon arriving, we proceeded to not be able to find any handicapped parking in the garage. This is the irony of going to a place where a good number of the patients are crippled just like you. Handicapped parking becomes a valued and scarce commodity— like Stradivarius violins, raw uranium ore, and politicians with integrity.

The first item on the agenda was a lumbar spine CT-scan. Spinraza has to be administered into the spinal fluid, so the neuromuscular doctors need to verify that there is a pathway available in the lumbar region for their mega-pointy needle. For folks like me who have scoliosis and spinal rod fusions as a result of our Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA), this isn’t an easy task. You know Pin The Tail On The Donkey? Imagine playing that, blindfolded, with a donkey that has anatomy that closely resembles the tornado from Wizard of Oz. Try to pin the tail on that donkey’s ass and you might hit Glinda the Good Witch instead.

Anyway, after my lumbar CT-scan, I went to see the team of specialists. After taking my vitals, the first thing they wanted to do was find out my weight. This was not as simple as it sounds.

If Elizabette’s wheelchair weighs X pounds without her sitting in it, and it weighs Y pounds when she is sitting in it, how much does Elizabette weigh?

This problem would have been easy if I had known my wheelchair’s weight without me sitting it in— aka, the tare weight. Which, of course, I didn’t. So, we had to do it the hard way. But, I am now pleased to report that the tare weight of my wheelchair is 377 pounds— this does not include me and my backpack full of random stuff. That’s super heavy. Therefore, I’d like to apologize, in advance, if I ever accidentally run over your foot. Or, even purposefully— which I might do if you’ve pissed me off enough.

Anyway, after that was completed, I met with two neurologists, a few nurses, a physical therapist, a respiratory therapist, a blood-draw technician and a circus juggler. (Okay, I might have made that last one up.)

Everyone seemed professional and I was encouraged by their thoroughness. Although, the physical therapist and respiratory therapist were kinda bossy— in a good way that brings out my competitive nature. If anything is turned into a game or a test of skill, I will win, goddamnit.

They tested my pulmonary functions and my physical strength using an assortment of cool gadgets. These will be the benchmarks they will use to measure potential progress moving forward.

All in all, it was a tremendously long, but encouraging, day. The preliminary lumbar CT-scan radiology report indicates that I have a potential open spot on my L5 vertebrae, which is a promising sign. I also learned that the radiologist thinks I have a really big bladder. This is not surprising. I can comfortably go quite a long time without peeing. I suspect that my bladder can currently hold more water than the Oroville Dam.

I’m grateful to the family that joined me on the trip to Stanford and fed me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. An influx of sugar makes anything more tolerable. If everything falls into place, I’ll try to get Spinraza. It’s still a long journey ahead and I have lots of hoops to jump (or wheel) through, but I’m on my way!

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