Dimensions, Dictators, and a Whole Lot of Weed

Standard

I’m not going to sugar-coat it, roll it in cinnamon, or top it with frosting. I’m going to be honest. The kind of honest that you usually only see from small children or really elderly relatives— but, rarely see from politicians or men that run around grabbing women by the ass.

Okay, here goes… The year 2017 was… just… straight-up weird. So weird that it made me wonder if we had somehow veered off into a parallel universe. I know you might think I sound loony. But, stick with me for a moment.

Stephen Hawking, the super-genius, theoretical physicist, writes a lot about this concept. He says that black holes could be portals to other countless universes— very much like our own world, but, just a little different. So, there could be infinite planet Earths… countless other cities of Patterson… and many versions of me.

This is a troubling thought. I wonder if all versions of me are as scared of spiders? Or, like pumpkin spice lattes? Or like to drive so fast in their wheelchairs?

I also wonder if all the versions of Patterson have quite as many palm trees? Or, as many pizza places? Because I don’t know if it’s possible for a town to have as many locations to buy pizza as we do right now.

Seriously.

Anyway, what if the Earth was swallowed by a giant, unknown black hole, and we slipped into another dimension? Maybe that would explain why 2017 was so weird… and it would also explain why Patterson suddenly seems to want so many marijuana dispensaries.

Between the record-breaking hurricanes, deadly earthquakes, and massive fires, it could be argued that Mother Nature didn’t care much for 2017, either. Nonetheless, we mustn’t forget the victims of these disasters— many organizations are on the ground now helping those that are affected. Donate time or money, if you can. Don’t be a Scrooge.

It’s important to note that not everyone has had a difficult year, though. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un spent the year honing his missile launching and nuclear skills. After scattering hardware all over the Sea of Japan and threatening the West with death and destruction, he still found time to attack a village of Hobbits with a potato cannon. So, all in all, it was a pretty solid year for dictators. Just ask Vladimir Putin.

We also found out that Americans can become obsessed with solar eclipses— so much so that they will call-in sick to work, and drive hundreds of miles to watch the shrinking sun through a peephole in a modified box of Honey Nut Cheerios. I suspect that many of these same people spent the prior year, 2016, chasing cartoon Pokémon on their smartphones.

So, I suppose this is an improvement.

Scientists made several discoveries this year, too. A new species of orangutan, a close primate cousin to humans, was recently discovered hiding in an isolated forest in Indonesia. It’s been a century since a new species of great ape has been found. So, this is an incredibly exciting— and surprising— development. After all, who knew that Donald Trump wouldn’t be the only new orange-colored primate to burst into the international scene this year?

As we say goodbye to 2017, here’s hoping that the year to come will be a healthy, safe and happy one.

Just watch out for those black holes.

IMG_4570

On this day…

Standard

I knew this would be one of those weird days— the kind you look back on and think, “What the #%$& was that?” You know the feeling? That hallucinatory haze between dreaming and wakefulness… the confusion that comes when you watch a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio… or that uneasy feeling in your stomach when you eat too much queso.
fullsizerender
When I woke up this morning at 7am, it was pouring rain. The kind of rain that Californians only dream about— right before we go buy some hipster coffee and an inflatable raft at Home Depot. As the water filtered down the rain gutters like tinkling wind chimes, I lay in bed with one question in my mind: “Should I turn on the TV and watch the Inauguration coverage?

I fiddled around on my iPhone for a while and played Words with Friends. This is how I procrastinate. I had a momentary burst of excitement when I was able to use the letter X on a double word score. 32 points, baby.

Now, I felt ready to face the day. Girding my loins and feeling like Donald Trump on Cialis, I reached for the TV remote. I clicked it on…

…and was met with a big blue error message on the screen: “COMPLETE SIGNAL LOSS.”

It was raining so hard that my satellite dish was literally unable to get a signal.

I suddenly knew this was a message from a higher power. A higher power that didn’t want me to watch TV. It was like Morgan Freeman had come down from the heavens to warn Jim Carrey to stop being a selfish dickhead. I had seen Bruce Almighty— I knew what this meant.

I turned off the malfunctioning TV and had some breakfast. While eating my fiber-tastic English muffin, I decided to do the one thing that used to help me process things when I was a kid. To write out whatever fact was bothering me— ten times in a row. It used to work really well, even back in 1990 when Disney cancelled my favorite-television-show-of-all-time, DuckTales. So, this morning, I tried it again.

Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.

And so it is.