Hi. It’s been months since I’ve written here and, frankly, I didn’t intend to let this much time go by. But, the days go by faster than you’d think when you’re a high-risk disabled person trying to survive a deadly pandemic. My days fill up with tasks that I’ve never had to do with such sustained, long-term diligence before. Daily, I find myself musing…

• Do I have enough PPE, masks, hand-soap, and hand sanitizer for me and for my home care assistants for the rest of the month? (Or will the masks be snatched up by the assholes in Idaho using them for kindling on the steps of the state capitol?)
• When was the last time we wiped that doorknob?
• Did I remember to include everything I’ll need for the next two weeks in my grocery order?

And, the most frequent thought of all…

• Dear God, please don’t let one of my caregivers get COVID.

These questions, and hundreds just like them, have swirled relentlessly in my head for months on end. As I’ve written here before, this pandemic was a doomsday scenario that many of us with high-risk disabilities have, unfortunately, been preparing for our entire lives. So, the skills we’ve been forced to cultivate have come in handy in the last year. But, that doesn’t make it all any less exhausting or scary.

To give you an idea of what it has felt like: imagine you’re scurrying about, living your life, trying to get everything done, when suddenly, a giant ACME Looney Tunes hatchet materializes and suspends itself over your head. And begins following you around for 12 months— the sharp blade gleaming in the sunlight.

That’s what this pandemic has felt like to me… and to countless other disabled and high-risk individuals.

I’ve been told “it’s wrong to live in fear” — a narrative spouted most especially by those that are able-bodied and think the virus poses no risk to them… folks that are looking for a reason to dismiss the risk, to continue doing whatever they want, and to flip a metaphorical middle-finger at anyone telling them differently. But, this virus doesn’t discriminate— and I’m sorry, but I take little credence from folks that don’t know what it feels like to be on a ventilator, to have a suction tube shoved down their trachea, or the terrifying feeling when fluid builds in your lungs and you struggle and struggle to cough it out. People that don’t know what that feels like have no business telling other people what they should, or shouldn’t, fear.

The brilliant and eloquent disability advocate Imani Barbarin recently wrote of the pandemic:

“I knew people were comfortable watching disabled and elderly people die, but I was wholly unprepared with the joy with which people would leap into harm’s way under the belief that only the vulnerable would die.”

Despite the very real danger the virus poses to us, and the fact we have been sheltering longer than any other group, the disabled are still not prioritized for the COVID vaccine in many, many places. This needs to change. Several weeks ago, I was extremely fortunate to receive the COVID vaccine. This wasn’t because I was officially prioritized (I wasn’t!) it was solely due to the fact that I was lucky enough to have caring medical professionals that fought really hard for me once a vaccine shipment arrived in my area. This happenstance, this luck, this privilege, should not be the way that a disabled person, like me, gets the vaccine. For &%$@’s sake, I have a hard time coughing out a loogie, I should not be forced to get a leftover dose of COVID vaccine out the backdoor of a clinic at 7pm on a cold night. That’s how El Chapo makes a deal for 89 kilos of cocaine— not how a crippled girl with 42% lung capacity should be getting a COVID vaccination.

And what about the countless other disabled people (especially disabled people of color) that don’t have ready-access to a doctor or medical professional with the time or ability to help them navigate these very real hurdles? I was fortunate & privileged to get the vaccine when I did—  many, many other disabled people aren’t so lucky.

That said, I’m glad, though, to see vaccinations are expanding to essential groups, like agriculture & food workers, school staff, and other essential personnel. This progress is vital for us all— the only way for our society (and the world!) to get a handle on this virus is for as many people to get vaccinated as possible.

And that includes you.

I don’t care if you saw a “really scientific” blog posted by your friend Cassie on Facebook claiming that the vaccine will turn your reproductive organs into lemon-flavored jellybeans.

I don’t care if you think COVID is “no big deal.”

I don’t care that your gym trainer saw a “super believable” TikTok that said the vaccine will mutate your DNA as if a radioactive probe had been placed up your anus.

When the vaccine is available to you— get it!!

And don’t forget one more thing: never before in medical history have we seen scientists from around the world coming together for one purpose. There has been unprecedented, historic cooperation on these COVID vaccines. So, it’s important that we don’t falsely compare the timeline on these to other vaccines of the past. Other vaccines have taken longer to produce because they haven’t had the sheer number of scientists working on them. They haven’t had the resources to devote to it. To test it. To evaluate it. Other scientists of the past have had to balance other experiments, and research, at the same time. This wasn’t the case now.

To use an analogy: Two carpenters decide to build a hotel with 50 rooms. They have to build it all on their own because no one else will help and they have to be as cost-effective as possible because their boss offers minimal support and funds. Plus, they have other part-time construction jobs, too. So, it takes them 3 years to build the hotel all on their own.

Compare that to 25 carpenters that get together and decide to build a hotel with 50 rooms. Their boss gives them oodles of support, resources, half-finished blueprints, and extra staff. Working full-time, they build the hotel in 3 months.

How can someone say that the second hotel was built “too fast” when the builders had so much more help, time, and resources to devote to it?

In truth, you simply can’t compare them.

Lastly, I hate to be the one to break it to you… but COVID is not going away. The virus won’t just pack up and move to Costa Rica like your kooky neighbor Larry because he thought America was turning into a Dr. Seuss-hating, communist shithole.

It’s here to stay.

So, the more immunity we all collectively build against this virus, the slower the spread, and the less mutating it will do. For those of you that have had COVID, or don’t think the virus will do you long-term harm, you should know that getting sick with COVID results in far fewer immune antibodies than is produced by the vaccine. So, being unvaccinated, you will get COVID again sooner, potentially more severely, and likely shed more virus particles to those around you— like a drunk 22-year-old flinging contaminated beads at Mardi Gras.

And there are many people out there, like me, who are counting on you to not to be a sloppy, inebriated frat boy.

So, don’t be.